I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
