Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
