You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
