I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
