Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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