I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
