I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
