You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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