there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
