I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
