This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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