My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Welp...herpes.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
