where am i from again
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
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