How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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