my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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