its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
