if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
