I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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