This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
