Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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