Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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