she sounds like chewbacca in bed
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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