Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
