Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
