My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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