Your dad touched me again.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.