i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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