i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
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she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
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I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station