he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?