I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.