What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
