I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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