Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
