I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
