How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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