awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
