im six kinds of drunk right now
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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