My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
