I faked an abortion last night.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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