I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize