I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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