TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
