im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
