no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
