i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
