please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
