dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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