Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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