i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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