I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
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I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
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Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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