Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
