This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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