True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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