it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
