Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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