if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
