So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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