pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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